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Day 12: Forgive

Product Manager
Product Manager

Day 12: Forgive

               Forgive, I feel like I’ve done a lot of this in my life time.  Ok, I’ll be honest, perhaps just in the last few years have I actually forgiven. I didn’t know how to forgive since we never really forget things.  Time heels and forgiveness is automatic, right?  I wish, but when we loop said memories time doesn’t get to separate us from the feeling of hurt, anger, or other emotions.  Instead we relive these moments almost with the same amount of emotion as before but with responses we wish we could do for them.  Alas, we are in the moment of unforgiveness.

                Forgiving is powerful.  That said, I figured I would be able to share how I have learned to forgive finally in my life.  When I was 33 years old I had a lot of life events happen to myself that, well, almost drowned me.  I had a choice to either be consumed by negative feelings or overcome these feelings. By the way, this is easy to write but not easily attainable…  Here are something things I have had to do to let things go and forgive.

  1. Notice negative thoughts and label them as such
    1. Recognizing a negative thought and saying “hey this is a ____ thought” helped me to stop them from looping in my mind.  Similar to filtering by adding custom properties to them and then excluding.  (You know I had to bring in the tech stuff, lol… )
  2. Ask for forgiveness
    1. Ask for forgiveness for my negative thoughts and the ones I’ve created in response.  This can be to yourself, God, meditation, or anything that you believe in.
      1. I know this sounds WEIRD but this is literally what helped me.
  3. Pray (once again or anything you believe in) for forgiveness to the person that created the need for forgiveness.  To wish them well and to have a rewarding life.
    1. Asking to forgive the ones that have hurt you is tough, but this is what helped me to balance the scales on wrong or right.  To allow me to let go of things and create an even field of emotions.
  4. Ask to be forgiven by people you may have hurt
    1. I was asking for forgiveness to anyone I may have hurt and to allow them to have peace from these feelings.

Forgive, this word has helped me grow as a person and I just wish that I would’ve figured this out at a younger age.  Though I wouldn’t be the person I am without having the life I’ve lived to date. Something about our “having” a past allows us to grow and learn to define our pathways in the future.  Allowing us to be better prepared for bumps and potholes and knowing how to navigate around them as we march forward in our life.

57 Comments
Level 13

Forgiveness is a powerful tool...both for ourselves and for others. It is also one of the most difficult thing a person can do. As Dez said above, we hold on to everything that negatively impacted us, and that is the first thing we focus on when dealing with others (i.e. those of us in I.T. rarely hear - "great job keeping that application running for the last 450 days!" - it's always "what did you do, the application isn't working!"

Day 12: Forgive:
“To give up resentment for something.”
There’s a tough one to apply to people.  Even animals learn not to trust, if they’ve been abused.   

From the tiniest accidental slight or insult, to generations of teaching why one people should despise another people, making the bad feelings go away begins with both parties starting to forgive each
other.  If folks would stop teaching prejudice and mistrust to the next generation (and if they’d act responsibly towards each other, following the Golden Rule), in a few generations there might just be trust and understanding and forgiveness. 

People might even look back and say “Wasn’t our feud ridiculous?  All those bad things happened long ago, and you’re not responsible for them.  And I’m not responsible for them.  Maybe we can help each other, and forgive the bad acts in the past, instead of carrying a grudge.  How about you and your family come over to my home for dinner with my family tonight?


Maybe we can make a new path to a better future.

Unforgiven stands in the was of progress.  Whether we are the unforgiven or we are the one withholding forgiveness.

In marriage or friendship, if you keep score, you lose.

In business, if you hold grudges you miss opportunity.

We must be willing to forgive:   Those we love... Those we hate... Those we like and those we are indifferent to.

It helps us move on and move forward.

Level 9

Forgiveness is not only a gift we give to others, but to ourselves too.

Author Anne Lamott penned some interesting thoughts about forgiveness:

"Not forgiving makes you toxic. And then you really have very little to offer your family or the world or your audience, because you're faking it."

"Earth is forgiveness school. I believe that's why they brought us here, then left us without any owner's manual."

Level 13

"Forgive me my nonsense, as I also forgive the nonsense of those that think they talk sense." -- Robert Frost

Level 9

Forgive yourself first - leave it behind.  You can't live in the present when you are tangled up in the past.

Level 21

To Forgive is to relive yourself of the burden of negativity.  It's important to remember that most people don't go into situations or do things with malicious intent; remembering this makes it much easier to forgive.

It's easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission.

At last a computer related quote, this one is from Grace Hopper.....

Grace Hopper - Wikipedia

Creator of the very first complier.

Level 11

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.

Level 11

Almost every time I get mad at something or someone it pays to stop, take a breath and realize how many stupid things I have done in my life.  It then becomes easier to forgive any trespass that I was upset about. Especially knowing the forgiveness I have been shown over the years.

Level 12

If someone asks or deserves forgiveness from me I will usually give it to them. But I do not forget. There is a difference between forgiving and forgetting. An honest mistake is something that is easy to forgive. A consciously malicious choice is much harder to forgive.

MVP
MVP

Agreed, life is too short to not forgive the little things!   Forgive and forget...

Level 12

The Lord our God is merciful and forgiving, even though we have rebelled against him.

                                                       Daniel 9:9

If you cannot forgive yourself then regret will take up too much of your time.  Let it go!

RT

"The Unforgiven"

  New blood joins this earth,
And quickly he's subdued.
Through constant pained disgrace
The young boy learns their rules.

With time the child draws in.
This whipping boy done wrong.
Deprived of all his thoughts
The young man struggles on and on he's known
A vow unto his own,
That never from this day
His will they'll take away.

What I've felt,
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown.
Never be.
Never see.
Won't see what might have been.

What I've felt,
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown.
Never free.
Never me.
So I dub thee unforgiven.

They dedicate their lives
To running all of his.
He tries to please them all –
This bitter man he is.

Throughout his life the same –
He's battled constantly.
This fight he cannot win –
A tired man they see no longer cares.

The old man then prepares
To die regretfully –
That old man here is me.

What I've felt,
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown.
Never be.
Never see.
Won't see what might have been.

What I've felt,
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown.
Never free.
Never me.
So I dub thee unforgiven.

What I've felt,
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown.
Never be.
Never see.
Won't see what might have been.

What I've felt,
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown.
Never free.
Never me.
So I dub thee unforgiven.

Never free.
Never me.
So I dub thee unforgiven.

You labelled me,
I'll label you.
So I dub thee unforgiven.

Never free.
Never me.
So I dub thee unforgiven.

You labelled me,
I'll label you.
So I dub thee unforgiven.

Never free.
Never me.
So I dub thee unforgiven.

Personally I believe to forgive all that wrong you, its up to our heavenly Father to judge not me.   However i also stand by hate the sin not the sinner.  I don't have to always trust someone, or have faith in someone once wronged, but i can forgive them and pray for them, and hope they find their happiness and peace. 

Level 8

Forgive all the people who do not read the manual first!.

Level 9

Again my grandmother told me the other day while she was in the hospital "The only person you are hurting is yourself, always forgive someone. You hurt yourself more by holding onto anger and hate. Always forgive and move forward with your life." This is something that everyone should be able to take in life and work. There is no room in your heart to continue to hate forever.

MVP
MVP

I have learned over the years it is better to Forgive and Forget then to hold something in you forever. Eventually it will eat you up inside, and cause you problems you do not need. God says to Forgive you fellow man, and if Jesus after all that happened to him was able to forgive those around him, why can't we. The problem with this world today, is no one is willing to forgive anyone for what they do to them, or what anyone has done in the past to someone else in their family. So they keep bringing the past back up constantly and can never move on to make a better world. Remember forgive those around you and move on to greater things.

Level 14

Do not hold onto hate

Anger do not keep,

Forgive and let it go

Restful will you sleep.

Level 17

"Technical Debt" is a term coined by programmers to explain a common coding conundrum to business-folks, namely the cost/benefit ratio of coding something perfectly now versus doing a faster but less-perfect solution now that will need to be re-worked later.

But it's important to understand that "technical debt" is not a fancier way of saying "procrastination" or even "the 80-20 rule". Like real debt, some technnical debt is good and some is a poor investment choice.

For example, in a project where you don't (or can't) know how the users will interact with the system; or you don't (or can't) determine the full list of features required ahead of time - in those cases you may choose to code what you DO know and put it into production, with the knowledge that you will likely need to re-write some (or maybe even most) of the application once you have more feedback. In that case you've willingly taken on the technical debt that you'll need to "pay back" later because otherwise you'd have nothing to put out at all.

This concept transfers easily from pure coding to other areas of IT - networking, storage, sysadmin, and more.

The reason I found this relevant was because of a related concept - forgiving debt. Knowing that technical debt - like financial debt - is not going away (and, some would argue, SHOULDN'T go away), I wondered what it would mean to "forgive" technical debt.

In one respect, forgiving technical debt would mean NOT expecting to correct or improve the code that was thrown together quickly. It would mean the person or entity to whom the debt is owed - the end user - would accept that the debt would never be paid, that the current status is the way it will be.

As with financial debt, the debt may be paid by another entity. In the case of an application that means bringing in another set of coders at additional expense. In the case of infrastructure, that could mean replacing all the equipment of one vendor (who has defaulted on the promise of certain features or performance targets) for another.

Does any of this sound familiar?

I guess what I'm getting at is that is that the idea of forgiving technical debt is not as strange as it first sounded, and that it's a situation any of us have dealt with in the past. Not to mention that we will be faced with it again in the future.

I guess we'll just have to forgive ourselves for letting it happen at that time.

Level 10

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Level 11

Image result for forgive

MVP
MVP

We've already had many good responses to this one. Forgiveness is much less about the person that you are forgiving and more about yourself. When a person is unwilling to forgive someone they grow bitter and lose out on much of the pleasure of life.

On the other hand we often need to forgive ourselves. We who are "thinkers" often are the hardest on ourselves. Forgiveness is not the same as giving up, nor is it an excuse for poor performance or choices. Forgiveness is accepting, letting go, learning and moving forward.

Level 11

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Level 12

Forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made. You will always learn from them.

Level 11

We are all taught that it is good to forgive. Those who are religious, and others, pray for forgiveness, whether visiting a confessional, spending יום הכפורים (Yom Kippur) in fasting and prayer, or some other way.

Personally, I find it worthy to forgive others. Like most belief systems, my faith would tell me this is good. In fact, if someone were to ask me to forgive them three times and I refused, I would considered wrong for continuing to refuse them. Yet, I have also felt that just asking for forgiveness is not sufficient.

As you might suspect, my faith does support this duality: one should forgive another, but each person should work on him or herself to become worthy of being forgiven. תשובה (return) includes trying to improve oneself to avoid making the same mistake again.

Bringing this back to IT -- or nearly any other endeavor -- it is worthy to forgive someone for making an error, or for not knowing something. At the same time, if you make a mistake, be sure to learn from it. Go learn about the how and why the error occurred so you can avoid repeating it in the future.

jeremymayfield​I was thinking after my post someone was going to post "Let it go" from Frozen.

Forgiveness is a way to harden not your heart. Holding on to hate, anger, hurt, or pain can shut you down to joy and happiness from other sources.

Forgiving is a way to set the balance in your emotional bank account bank to zero. So that new deposits quickly make for a positive balance.

My wife and I read this book together and found it useful in gaining a better insight into ourselves and compassion - which start with forgiveness. Destructive Emotions: How Can We Overcome Them? A Scientific Dialogue with the Dalai Lama - by Daniel Goleman

Radioteacher​ well although my daughter loves that movie, my head was still with Metallica....  you can take the guy out of the garage band but you can never take the garage band out of the guy....  Or something like that.   But so as i don't disappoint you...

Straight to you from Disney. 

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen.
A kingdom of isolation,
and it looks like I'm the Queen
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn't keep it in;
Heaven knows I've tried

Don't let them in,
don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel,
don't let them know
Well now they know

Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore

Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don't care
what they're going to say
Let the storm rage on.
The cold never bothered me anyway

It's funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can't get to me at all

It's time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me,
I'm free!

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You'll never see me cry
Here I stand
And here I'll stay
Let the storm rage on

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I'm never going back, the past is in the past

Let it go, let it go
And I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on

The cold never bothered me anyway!

Level 10

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Level 8

Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much - Oscar Wilde

Level 12

To forgive is not to forget.

Level 11

Easier to give than to get.

You got to love a song that mentions fractals!

RT

and sang in a perfect soprano voice. 

Level 9

Heavens, this is one I could write a butcher block roll of paper and still chase myself up a tree. I have been told by sponsors, doctors, and clergy to drop my guilt. "Forgive yourself" I have been told so many times by folks I respect deeply. It's been one of those 'easier said than done jobs'. Well, at least for me. Having flamed out in a most public and spectacular manner, I have been blessed with many lessons in attaining forgiveness, earning forgiveness, and learning that some people never forgive. One thing recovering from long-term addiction has taught me is that an appreciation of the ironic is almost a must. Once I got clean, some forgave without reservation before I was ready for it. There were many who waited for a couple years to forgive but allowed me back in their lives quickly. The irony is some folks who I never caused any harm to are my biggest detractors now. Even with a dozen years clean and sober, they eagerly await for the slip up that they consider inevitable. To add to the irony, its those very expectations that add to my determination not to use, just for today. Going back to the opening statement about the difficulty in me forgiving myself, some of me sides with my detractors. I always had esteem issues and that gave me a Kafka-like side to my personality. Anytime I accomplish anything a little voice says "Oh, you got over this time, fraud, but next time you will be exposed." Throughout infantry school and then some of those Army schools on the Discovery channel that every wannabe goof claims to have attended I would take it a day at a time, some an hour at a time. But each graduation instead of taking pride, I always felt like some fraud not yet exposed. So now with a dozen years booze and drug free I am beginning to enjoy the rewards of living like most people already do. I have a decent job, a fun cat, a PS3 as well as an xBox 360, an OK car and I live in my favorite neighborhood in Pittsburgh. When will I forgive myself? I dunno but rebuilding my relationships with my children give me spiritual rewards I can't put into words. I may never forgive myself for striking out with the bases loaded but I sure am quick to forgive the little things. And the 'big things' I am getting pretty good at putting myself in the other person's shoes. For me, that's key requirement in finding or giving true forgiveness. 

MVP
MVP

I will admit I am one who finds it tough to forgive...especially if it relates to something that strikes deep in the heart.  As others have said, truly forgiving is a powerful thing....especially being able to forgive yourself. This also relates to work and dealing the the human element as well as the politics of a particular shop.  People make mistakes, people have bad days...they get on your nerves or are unprofessional from time to time.  The only way to move on and work together is to be able to forgive them.  

Thank you to everyone for sharing.

Level 9

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.

But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Matthew 6:14-15

Level 9

Hanging onto resentment is about the most toxic thing you can do.

Level 20

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Level 10

Those who desire revenge will never forgive. Those who forgive will never desire revenge.

Forgiveness is your heart accepting the situation.

Also, sometimes you need to forgive yourself first and then you can begin to heal.

Forgiveness is incredibly hard sometimes; but I think joshyaf​ is pretty spot on with this.

I think sometimes the best you can do is forgive someone else, even if they themselves cannot acknowledge being forgiven.

Forgive. Yea, I'm not sure how I know how to do that. I'm not sure I would want to either. I don't see myself as that strong...

But that aside, forgive is on the trail leading back to regaining someone's trust. Trust being yesterday's word. Sometimes you have to forgive. Sometimes you have to get, or hope, someone to forgive you.

Level 10

Forgiving yourself is very important.

I find people are a lot harder on themselves about things then needed. It's okay to forgive yourself, learn from the things that happened, and try your best to move onward.

From "The Lord Of The Rings", Chapter 8:  The Scouring Of The Shire:

     ‘Very well, Mr. Baggins,’ said the leader, pushing the barrier aside. ‘But don’t forget I’ve arrested you.’

‘I won’t,’ said Frodo. ‘Never. But I may forgive you.'

Level 17

I'm surprised this wasn't brought up earlier, but one of my favorite thoughts on forgiveness was offered by Oprah:

“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.”

Going further, she elaborated:

"You think forgiving means accepting what has happened to you. Well, it is accepting that it HAS happened to you. Not accepting that it was OK for it to happen. It is accepting that it has happened, and now what do I do about it?"

Here's the video:

Oprah's Forgiveness Aha! Moment | Oprah's Lifeclass | Oprah Winfrey Network - YouTube

Level 20

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Level 11

Really liked this post, Dez! Thanks for sharing!

Forgiveness is so important no matter what you believe.  For me, the Bible is a great source of encouragement on forgiveness. To recognize that as God has forgiven us (through Jesus' death) we must forgive others as well.  I also think of it as how can I expect others to forgive me (which is what we all want when we screw up) if I am not offering forgiveness to others myself.

Colossians 3:13 "as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive"

Level 10

Forget

Overlook

Reprieve

Go

Exempt

Turn other cheek

About the Author
I started in networking and security around 2002 by taking Cisco Certified Network Associate and Security+ courses from Central Vo-tech. This is where I fell in love with technology in general. From there I venture out to internships and started using the Engineers Toolset from SolarWinds which made me wonder about software. The company I was with purchased Cirrus which is now Network Configuration Manager (NCM) and I was officially hooked. I searched out for SolarWinds and well you guessed it I started working for them and believe it or not in sales. That was the only position open but I knew I wanted to be here. So I quickly worked my way in to the support side and became the first Sales Engineer and then the first Applications Engineer. Since I am a very curious person I have since in my 9 years of being at SolarWinds decided to pursue more education. Security is always a fascination to me so I started taking classes on INFOSEC Assessment Methodology (IAM) and INFOSEC Evaluation Methodology (IEM) of the NSA. Then I went and took the CIW Masters for web development and ventured to databases. MCITP SQL Server and Development certifications that led me to a database development degree in college. I’m pretty much a jack of all trades and LOVE IT! This all applied to my work with SolarWinds as I wanted to be able to help customers solve their issues or needs. So knowing more information allowed me to do this successfully. I also dabbled in Cisco UCS management and currently taking classes to venture toward a CCIE (crossing fingers). NCM is a product that I have worked with since its beginning. I even had the opportunity to fly to the NSA to create templates for some of their devices. I used to be the sole MIB database controller so I’m definitely your huckleberry on MIBs and OIDs. As an Applications Engineer I focused on Network Performance Monitor, Network Configuration Manager, Web Performance Monitor, Enterprise Operations Console, Patch Manager, User Device Tracker, and the Engineers Toolset. See why I like to constantly learn new things I had a lot to be on top of! SolarWinds is a passion of mine still to this very day. My new role as a Product Manager for NCM is home to me. Funny how I circled around back to my favorite product that got me here in the first place. :) My goal is to educate and work with customers to leverage our products to their fullest degree!