I am so excited about this year’s Bracket Battle that I jumped on a plane yesterday to come to Vegas. I hear this is the place to be for the first weekend of the battle… a place to actually get paid for making the right predictions.

 

Turns out, the bookmakers aren’t very well-versed in our game and there is some OTHER bracket that everyone here is betting on. Go figure. It certainly doesn’t seem to be as interesting or thought-provoking as ours. But I guess that everyone has their “thing.”

 

Before we get into the first-round results, let me take a quick moment to answer a lingering question. There has been a bit of debate about the objective of this year’s battle—what EXACTLY are we voting for here? We understand. We debated it mightily as we brainstormed and plotted. Here is where we landed: we are looking for the BEST of the worst (read: useless) superpowers. Between any two given match-ups, which superpower would you prefer to have for its relative utility? (Which might provide more useful than the other?)

 

Based on the results, it looks like y’all got the hang of it…mostly. I can’t quite account for why the masses think that knowing the exact amount of pee in a pool is less useful than always coming in second. It’s PEE… in the POOL… that you are swimming in. Are you planning to melt down all of those second-place medals into some kind of weapon?

 

Welp, like I said… I guess everyone has their “thing.”

 

Here is where we stand as we head into Round 2:

 

Play-in Round Result: Bracket Battle 2019: Ticklz vs. Tweetz

TWEETZ comes out on top with 74% of the votes—a solid victory. The majority certainly believe that being able to read minds in any capacity is pretty helpful, even if it is just 140 characters.

 

Round 1 Results:

These rounds proved to be, on the whole, a lot closer than the play-in, with just a few exceptions:

 

Bracket Battle 2019: Dwaynez vs. Squirrlz  – It turns out the ability to go full "The Rock" with your eyebrows is nothing compared to an army of empathetic squirrels, as Squirrlz edges out Dwaynez with 73%.

 

Bracket Battle 2019: Giftz vs. Qwertyz – Randomly assigning useless superpowers to create a useless troupe of super pals who CAN remember your current password appears to outweigh the ability to never forget your old password. Giftz takes down Quertyz with 61% of the vote.

 

Bracket Battle 2019: 2ndz vs. Peez – We had some schemers with entrepreneurial spirits insightfully point out that a number of second-place cash prizes can build you quite the smaller competitor to Wayne Enterprises. Enjoy your second-fastest Bat Mobile, Robin! Peez is defeated by 2ndz, which garnered 60% of the votes.

 

Bracket Battle 2019: Wormz vs. Tastez – What happens when worm ESP and squirrel empathy clash? We may find out later in the season! Sounds like more people would rather taste-test things for poison than originally thought. Wormz took 64% of the votes.

 

Bracket Battle 2019: USBz vs. Opaquez – Maybe this clash would be less even before the release of USB type-C, as 48% of THWACK® apparently still prefer to turn invisible when nobody is looking. Don't you remember the pain and agony of thinking, "maybe I'll rotate it," before realizing you had it right the first time? Gen Z will never understand...

 

Bracket Battle 2019: Blurz vs. Hovrz – Jumping short heights can be appealing to anyone, unless you're watching a horror movie. WHAT THEN, THWACK? WHAT THEN?? Blurred vision loses to short hovering, which took 72% of the votes.

 

Bracket Battle 2019: Sortz vs. Picz – This one has us curious as to whether there's an underground gambling ring based on our annual Bracket Battles. 65% of THWACK chose the ability to accurately rate the uselessness over a superpower (Sortz) over taking a great license and passport photo. Too bad you can't take down a villain by looking goooooooood.

 

Bracket Battle 2019: Cheez vs. Whipez – Really? Only 54% of you want to take down your lactose-intolerant enemies with your epic lactokinesis? Maybe too many of us are sick of trying to clean whiteboards. Think of the possible plans you could possibly write on a potentially clean whiteboard!

 

Bracket Battle 2019: Toastz vs. Tumblz – You don't know fear until you've been chased through the desert by a rogue tumbleweed. Tumblz takes down foot toast (Pedicrunch?) with 62% of THWACK votes. I guess we'll never find a good use for our toe jam.

 

Bracket Battle 2019: Binaryz vs. Yumz – It's possible we could've put black licorice up against anything and it would still lose. Our fellow geek brethren decided speaking in binary tastes much better on the tongue. 1000100% of the vote.

 

Bracket Battle 2019: zhceepS vs. Loadz – We're fighting the urge to type this whole summary backwards as zheepS wins with 60%. Maybe it's because we already know all load times are a SHAM, and are MADE UP by whomever EVIL coders decided they'd give us FALSE HOPE about THE END being near. We're not mad.

 

Bracket Battle 2019: Foldz vs. Dropz – Everyone's days of paper airplanes are over. 'Nuff said. Dropz wins with 62-%.

 

Bracket Battle 2019: Callz vs. Veggz – Whomever doubts the power of vegetables has never seen this epic video of a vegetable orchestra. Go ahead. You know you want to watch it. Veggz (70%) beats Callz.

 

Bracket Battle 2019: Critz vs. Legoz – In a battle of entertainment, Legos appear to still be relevant. Fans of the Swedish foot-killers take down critical misses with a narrow six-percent margin.

 

Bracket Battle 2019: Tweetz vs. Forgetz – Remember round one? Forgetz doesn't. Reading the first 140-characters of people's thoughts is preferred by 71% of THWACK.

 

Bracket Battle 2019: Loopz vs. Slowz – Ahhh. There's nothing like saving the slowest for last. The tortoise takes down a perfect belt-looping. Slowz – 57%.

 

 

Curious as to what other useless superpowers you were surprised to see missing from our competition this year? Let us know below.

 

It’s time to check out the updated bracket and start voting in Round 2! We need your help and input as we get one step closer to crowning the ultimate legend!

 

Access the bracket and make your Round 2 picks HERE>>